I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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