Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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