just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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