i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
