You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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