i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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