glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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