I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
