M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
