hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
