I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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