Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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