I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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