cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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