as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
