You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
he just fucked me for my cheese.
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