I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
