Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Naked. naked and bneed help.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
