WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
