Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
