You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
