So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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