Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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