i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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