i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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