Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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