Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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