I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
