your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
