Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
