Three words: puerto rican gang bang
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
