Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
