haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I got inside last night via doggy door
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
