Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
