I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
