Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
