he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
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