Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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