my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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