Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
