Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
