My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
