apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
