I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He passed out mid-signature
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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