go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
