The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
