When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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