last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Randomize
