whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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