I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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