feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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