If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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