Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
