Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Randomize
