He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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